Post by Pandie on Jul 15, 2010 17:41:21 GMT -5
There comes a time in life when we have the nasty habit of sitting back and reflecting on everything we've done. And everything we haven't. For most adults, this is a time of happy memories. This is how I know I am not yet an adult, for reflecting times for me not only bring happiness, but some days, bring that of tears.
I smile as I think about all the wonderful things in life that I was blessed with. A stong mind. A happy smile. Friends beyond even my own imagination. The chance to love, not once, but twice. The ability to forgive... And the gift to forget.
But then I think of everything I haven't done. Everything I should have done. And it is no longer pleasant, this trip down memory lane. Every day I'm learning that most of my life I was just pretending. This world is forever going to go on turning, no matter the way we try to change it. As will the pain, the suffering, the tears.
There are so many people I could have helped. I should have helped. People come first. They always should. But somewhere I lost sight of that. Somewhere I gave up on people. I gave up on myself.
How selfish I have become. I say that I want to change the world, one person at a time. But yet, it is not the world I am changing, but myself. My own goals. My own hopes.
I spend so much of my time trying to make everything great. Everyone happy. But yet, the steps I must take to make myself happy are never steps that I seem to complete.
If only there were a way to make everyone happy, myself included. The world would just... Well, it would take my breath away.
There has only been four guy's in my past that I even care to remember. My first love, My second love, My best friend, and my son. I thought those were all the men I would ever need. But, the funny thing is, not one of them is here now. And each and every one of them not being here is myne own fault.
I pushed my first love out of my hands and into one of my old friend. I pushed my second love away as well. My best friend is not even among the living anymore, and that too is my fault. And my son.. My precious baby. I have him no more either.
I have tried and tried to keep my men separate and away from my heart, since I have lost every guy I ever held dear to me. But I know now that I cannot do that. If it were meant to be that way, I would not spend so much time building walls.
I have many guy friends. More so then girls. But there's one... Just one... Whom seems to sneak through the walls. Or rather whom I allow through. But will I hurt again as I have undoubtfully done so much before? Will I fall and keep on falling? Will my invisable wings break and no longer hold my head above the clouds?
Perhaps. Perhaps not. I fear I already know this answer, but yet that does not stop me. If everyone hid behind the thing's they are afraid of, we shall never win. If we resisted to do things, for fear we would fail, then we are not whom we want to be.
The world is full of people whom spend their lives hiding from the truth. Hiding from risks. And hiding from thing's that feel right.
I once believed that if it feels right, then do it. Hold nothing back. For as long as you do what you feel is right, then you will never break. You will never fall. And you will never be forsaken. It is only those whom are willing to take the risk, that ever find what it is they are searching for.
I want to believ that again. Please do help me to believe that again. Just give me a chance, and you will see I am not everything that meets the eye.
You are undoubtfully wondering whom it is I am addressing. Why, it's you, friend. give me a chance to prove to you that somewhere there is still a light at the end of this tunnel. Somehow, things will be okay. Give me a chance to prove to you that I can be your friend. I can be counted on. And that I wont hurt you. I will demand nothing of you. I simply, need to know that not everyone has given up on me. That someone, somewhere, still believes in me. Still believes in the human race. Someone sill believes that good can overcome the bad. That happiness can still be found. And that not one of us need to walk alone.
One day, you will accept me for who I am. And what I can be. The question is, will you stop hiding long enough to admit it. Or will I?
I smile as I think about all the wonderful things in life that I was blessed with. A stong mind. A happy smile. Friends beyond even my own imagination. The chance to love, not once, but twice. The ability to forgive... And the gift to forget.
But then I think of everything I haven't done. Everything I should have done. And it is no longer pleasant, this trip down memory lane. Every day I'm learning that most of my life I was just pretending. This world is forever going to go on turning, no matter the way we try to change it. As will the pain, the suffering, the tears.
There are so many people I could have helped. I should have helped. People come first. They always should. But somewhere I lost sight of that. Somewhere I gave up on people. I gave up on myself.
How selfish I have become. I say that I want to change the world, one person at a time. But yet, it is not the world I am changing, but myself. My own goals. My own hopes.
I spend so much of my time trying to make everything great. Everyone happy. But yet, the steps I must take to make myself happy are never steps that I seem to complete.
If only there were a way to make everyone happy, myself included. The world would just... Well, it would take my breath away.
There has only been four guy's in my past that I even care to remember. My first love, My second love, My best friend, and my son. I thought those were all the men I would ever need. But, the funny thing is, not one of them is here now. And each and every one of them not being here is myne own fault.
I pushed my first love out of my hands and into one of my old friend. I pushed my second love away as well. My best friend is not even among the living anymore, and that too is my fault. And my son.. My precious baby. I have him no more either.
I have tried and tried to keep my men separate and away from my heart, since I have lost every guy I ever held dear to me. But I know now that I cannot do that. If it were meant to be that way, I would not spend so much time building walls.
I have many guy friends. More so then girls. But there's one... Just one... Whom seems to sneak through the walls. Or rather whom I allow through. But will I hurt again as I have undoubtfully done so much before? Will I fall and keep on falling? Will my invisable wings break and no longer hold my head above the clouds?
Perhaps. Perhaps not. I fear I already know this answer, but yet that does not stop me. If everyone hid behind the thing's they are afraid of, we shall never win. If we resisted to do things, for fear we would fail, then we are not whom we want to be.
The world is full of people whom spend their lives hiding from the truth. Hiding from risks. And hiding from thing's that feel right.
I once believed that if it feels right, then do it. Hold nothing back. For as long as you do what you feel is right, then you will never break. You will never fall. And you will never be forsaken. It is only those whom are willing to take the risk, that ever find what it is they are searching for.
I want to believ that again. Please do help me to believe that again. Just give me a chance, and you will see I am not everything that meets the eye.
You are undoubtfully wondering whom it is I am addressing. Why, it's you, friend. give me a chance to prove to you that somewhere there is still a light at the end of this tunnel. Somehow, things will be okay. Give me a chance to prove to you that I can be your friend. I can be counted on. And that I wont hurt you. I will demand nothing of you. I simply, need to know that not everyone has given up on me. That someone, somewhere, still believes in me. Still believes in the human race. Someone sill believes that good can overcome the bad. That happiness can still be found. And that not one of us need to walk alone.
One day, you will accept me for who I am. And what I can be. The question is, will you stop hiding long enough to admit it. Or will I?