Post by Pandie on Jul 15, 2010 17:43:26 GMT -5
This evening the most disturbing thought has occurred to me, and though I don't often write in the first person, my mind cannot conceive any other way at the moment. There wasn't any significant moment that brought about these trains of thought, and yet here they are. Perhaps they are simply long over due.
For awhile now I have sprouted words that any other woman whom has experienced such a tremendous heartbreak would speak. I have proclaimed that love is not for me, and struggled to portray the image that I perfer to live without cupids blessing. Yet, at the same time, I continue to preach to those who are heading down the road that I claimed to have once travelled. I encourage those in love to fight for it, and to believe that love is the ultimate gift. Perhaps I contradict myself, then? After all, how can one whom has numeriously made clear that there is no room for love in her life, be able to continue to give hope to those that so deeply seek it?
I speak about having a fulfilling life, and how I find joy in even the smallest things, but when I gaze upon two people in love, there is always doubt in my convictions. Perhaps this is normal, but perhaps not. Am I really that different from everyone else? Surely there are others out there whom look at the world from the same perspective.
I view myself, as previously stated, as a walking contradiction. I give others advice in which I myself never choose to follow. I encourage acts that I would not attempt to do myself. There are times I even pretend to partake in their little 'love seeking' world, and yet never apply myself within that world. Does this make me a fraud?
Perhaps I'm not as self-aware as I pretend to be. Deep inside could I just be your average girl whom longs to be in love. For a relationship that promises something more then afew enjoyed dates? The reason I question this is because I feel that this is not the case. I don't want to be in love, for love is alot of work. It requires us to take the risk of being hurt, and giving faith in our partner not to cause us harm. Right now I am thinking that is an impossible task for someone like myself.
To be able to define all reason all past experiences, and lie your trust in someone so much that you are giving them the ultimate gift you have to offer.. Your heart. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why one would wish to give that away? Are you not afraid that once you give someone your heart, that the greatest thing about yourself is now no longer yours? And how can you be certain that they will take pride in this gift that so many today take for granted? Surely a life without such emotional damage would be much better...
But then, it is as if there are two of me residing in one body, and we never can agree. For another part of me watches those walking down the street hand in hand. Spots the couples at a local gathering shamelessly flirting, and enjoying the company of one another, and I feel as if Im not taking apart in life at all, but rather watching it pass me by. For is not love the only thing worth working towards? What good is an education, a job, home, every goal you work towards, if there is no one to share it with?
And yet... I contradict myself again when I say that love is merely overrated. It is an improbable goal that so many work towards in hopes that they will have an even more fulfilling life. Shouldn't we be able to find better means to wake each day?
Most wonder whom it was that broke my heart so severly to make me think along the ways that I do, but never can I answer them. It is not because I am being mysterious, or modest. But because there was no man whom ever damaged my heart so greatly that it brought about these chains of thought. There was no ex boyfriend, or loving friend whom affected me so much to swear off the love that comes with life. No one has abandoned my life, leaving my heart unable to heal.
So then why is it I think the way I do? Why am I not interested in dating for the sake of dating? Or looking for love in all the wrong places like where everyone else begins? Perhaps it's because I fear the tought of giving away apart of me that could never fully be returned. I have watched so many fall in love only to forever be changed by that one moment. I may preach that love is the greatest gift of all, and yet I don't think I shall ever believe it. It is not wise to fall in love, knowing that the probable outcome is that of a negative factor.
On the other hand, then why is it as I watch those around me dance with a fire in their eyes I have never known, and feel even the slighest bit of jealousty? Is it because they have found something that I have not? No, that cannot be it, for I am not looking for what they have found. Not actively searching for that relationship that may proceed to the next level. No. I am not cut out for love.
What tells me this? There have been past relationships, of course. I am not saying that I have never begun to fall in love. But always, always, I have walked away or pushed someone else away, before I could ever reach the stage of giving them something I could never get back. No one has ever captured my whole heart, and perhaps that is why I am who I am. I am not damaged by past relationships, for they never really last long enough to allow the damage to sink in. I learnt this not tonight, but years ago when during a three year relationship, it was clear that he always gave more then I myself did to him.
Perhaps I am not meant for love because I will not allow myself to be. I don't sit about fancying about my future wedding, or a man I will spend the rest of my life with. Perhaps this is simply me. I always say that I am your average girl next door, and yet Im not. For, even though I may be easy to fall in love with, I am simply too hard to convince to fall in love.
Im a challenge all of my own, and with it make life abit more complicated. I don't treat men any less then I do my female friends, I simply hold them at a distance, until I can fully convince myself not to fall in love with them. This is what I am satisfied with. Love only complicates things, and my life, as it is, is already complicated enough. There is no room for love. Only for flirtation.
Or so I always find myself saying, yet something inside disagrees with my reasoning. Could it be that Im not as big a femenist(sp) as I try to be? Could I really be just like everyone else my age, secretly longing for the comfort that is love? Surely it isn't possible for me to believe one thing and yet wish for another...
Or is it?
For awhile now I have sprouted words that any other woman whom has experienced such a tremendous heartbreak would speak. I have proclaimed that love is not for me, and struggled to portray the image that I perfer to live without cupids blessing. Yet, at the same time, I continue to preach to those who are heading down the road that I claimed to have once travelled. I encourage those in love to fight for it, and to believe that love is the ultimate gift. Perhaps I contradict myself, then? After all, how can one whom has numeriously made clear that there is no room for love in her life, be able to continue to give hope to those that so deeply seek it?
I speak about having a fulfilling life, and how I find joy in even the smallest things, but when I gaze upon two people in love, there is always doubt in my convictions. Perhaps this is normal, but perhaps not. Am I really that different from everyone else? Surely there are others out there whom look at the world from the same perspective.
I view myself, as previously stated, as a walking contradiction. I give others advice in which I myself never choose to follow. I encourage acts that I would not attempt to do myself. There are times I even pretend to partake in their little 'love seeking' world, and yet never apply myself within that world. Does this make me a fraud?
Perhaps I'm not as self-aware as I pretend to be. Deep inside could I just be your average girl whom longs to be in love. For a relationship that promises something more then afew enjoyed dates? The reason I question this is because I feel that this is not the case. I don't want to be in love, for love is alot of work. It requires us to take the risk of being hurt, and giving faith in our partner not to cause us harm. Right now I am thinking that is an impossible task for someone like myself.
To be able to define all reason all past experiences, and lie your trust in someone so much that you are giving them the ultimate gift you have to offer.. Your heart. I cannot, for the life of me, understand why one would wish to give that away? Are you not afraid that once you give someone your heart, that the greatest thing about yourself is now no longer yours? And how can you be certain that they will take pride in this gift that so many today take for granted? Surely a life without such emotional damage would be much better...
But then, it is as if there are two of me residing in one body, and we never can agree. For another part of me watches those walking down the street hand in hand. Spots the couples at a local gathering shamelessly flirting, and enjoying the company of one another, and I feel as if Im not taking apart in life at all, but rather watching it pass me by. For is not love the only thing worth working towards? What good is an education, a job, home, every goal you work towards, if there is no one to share it with?
And yet... I contradict myself again when I say that love is merely overrated. It is an improbable goal that so many work towards in hopes that they will have an even more fulfilling life. Shouldn't we be able to find better means to wake each day?
Most wonder whom it was that broke my heart so severly to make me think along the ways that I do, but never can I answer them. It is not because I am being mysterious, or modest. But because there was no man whom ever damaged my heart so greatly that it brought about these chains of thought. There was no ex boyfriend, or loving friend whom affected me so much to swear off the love that comes with life. No one has abandoned my life, leaving my heart unable to heal.
So then why is it I think the way I do? Why am I not interested in dating for the sake of dating? Or looking for love in all the wrong places like where everyone else begins? Perhaps it's because I fear the tought of giving away apart of me that could never fully be returned. I have watched so many fall in love only to forever be changed by that one moment. I may preach that love is the greatest gift of all, and yet I don't think I shall ever believe it. It is not wise to fall in love, knowing that the probable outcome is that of a negative factor.
On the other hand, then why is it as I watch those around me dance with a fire in their eyes I have never known, and feel even the slighest bit of jealousty? Is it because they have found something that I have not? No, that cannot be it, for I am not looking for what they have found. Not actively searching for that relationship that may proceed to the next level. No. I am not cut out for love.
What tells me this? There have been past relationships, of course. I am not saying that I have never begun to fall in love. But always, always, I have walked away or pushed someone else away, before I could ever reach the stage of giving them something I could never get back. No one has ever captured my whole heart, and perhaps that is why I am who I am. I am not damaged by past relationships, for they never really last long enough to allow the damage to sink in. I learnt this not tonight, but years ago when during a three year relationship, it was clear that he always gave more then I myself did to him.
Perhaps I am not meant for love because I will not allow myself to be. I don't sit about fancying about my future wedding, or a man I will spend the rest of my life with. Perhaps this is simply me. I always say that I am your average girl next door, and yet Im not. For, even though I may be easy to fall in love with, I am simply too hard to convince to fall in love.
Im a challenge all of my own, and with it make life abit more complicated. I don't treat men any less then I do my female friends, I simply hold them at a distance, until I can fully convince myself not to fall in love with them. This is what I am satisfied with. Love only complicates things, and my life, as it is, is already complicated enough. There is no room for love. Only for flirtation.
Or so I always find myself saying, yet something inside disagrees with my reasoning. Could it be that Im not as big a femenist(sp) as I try to be? Could I really be just like everyone else my age, secretly longing for the comfort that is love? Surely it isn't possible for me to believe one thing and yet wish for another...
Or is it?
