Post by Pandie on Jul 15, 2010 17:43:53 GMT -5
She settled down in the bed that was her own, the lights on, music playing in the background. Some unknown band from the seventies, that the radio station seemed to think was a good choice for the evening. With the sound of drums and banjo's breaking the silence of the house, it makes it difficult for her to think of the world beyond her four little walls.
As she has done many times throughout her childhood and youth, she found herself wondering what the purpose of it all was. Was there really some greater being whom planned her every move before she even comprehended to do it? If so, then are we really living in the land of the free, or are we all pawns in a game that we know nothing about?
These thoughts are nothing new to her, and yet she still cannot find the answer to her questions. Perhaps this is what brings her down from her cloud so often.
Her hair hangs down around her cheeks, and she makes no effort to brush the strands away. There is no one around. No one to take notice in her appearance, even if she wished them to. In her world, there rarely is anyone but herself. Some days she couldnt help but feel like it will always be that way, that was, until she met him.
The past floods her mind even as she wills it to remain behind her. The people she met, those she befriends, those she doesnt. The strangers that passed her by, unaware that she could be exactly what they were looking for.She could, couldn't she? Anyone could be, if only people these days gave them half the chance.
Finally her left hand abandoned the position infront of her to dart up and tuck a strand of her light hair behind her ear, which burned from the cold. Funny, she thought, how when you're freezing, you burn. Tingle as if you were standing too close to a firepit and heat from the flames entraced themselves on your flesh. She shook her head gently, returning her thoughts to those of previously. Her thoughts on his life.
She knows that initially she is not alone. Not even five minutes away is someone else, and then someone else and someone else, until you couldn't count anymore. But it brings little comfort to her wounded heart, and she wonders how he is doing.
Once, he believed in a life that was much better then the one he took his place in. He believed that there was love. There was compassion. Understanding. Belonging. A world where everything was bearable, if not enjoyed. But he's grown up alot since that little boy that padded around in socks and sandles.
Sooner or later, everyone grows up whether they wish to or not. The day they discover Santa Clause was actually their parents in cheap suits. The day they fall in love. The day they walk away, a heart broken trailing behind them. He knows this all too well, and probably wishes he could turn back the clock and return to that innocent little boy again.
Life could be much worse, she reminds herself, but still it does no good. It could, be much worse, of course. But then again, it could be much better too. Why must we settle for being inbetween?
As she quietly munched on gum, absentmindedly squishing it around her tongue as if to blow a bubble, an ironic thought crossed her mind, not for the first time. There were so many people in the world that wanted to be involved in his life, and yet he couldn't find the right way to let them. Not the way they wanted. It hurt him, in ways some could never know, and she knew it. To have people love you, and yet you be unable to return that love.
Perhaps it is because he waits for someone he knows in his heart is the right person. He believes so strongly that one day they will awaken to their senses and realize that what they really want is right in front of them. Some day, they will stop pulling away, and insead push foward, toward him. And because of this feeling, this belief, he gives no one else that part of his heart. The part that promises forever.
Though he has enemies, he has more aquintinces then anything. They are not friends, for they themselves choose it that way. They want all of him, or nothing at all, but how can they expect him to give something away that belongs to someone else? How can they assume that he will just give up on what he believes to be everything they need and want him to be? Is it really his's to give away, then?
They don't realize, the people around him, that his heart is a very precious gift, and that it cannot be given lightly. Shes not saying that people should work for his heart, his attention, but that he has to work harder for what he believes then what other's choose to think. It's almost like a religion, she thought, as her heart melted at the realization that he probably seemed self-centered to the world around him. Like a religion, a love must be fought for. Must be believed. And sometimes what you believe isn't always easy to show.
People used to be drawn to him. Still are, sometimes. But it never lasts long, and he could never figure out why. But tonight, as she stared around at her surroundings, the music going in one ear and out the other, she realized that it wasn't because of them that they lost interest, but because of himself. He gave them false hope. False promise, even if he never said it outloud.
A chill crept up her spine and exploded over her shoulders and arms, leaving a river of goosebumps it it's wake. With a shudder she couldn't control, she found herself sinking further into her pillows willing her mind to shut off. It wasn't natural to think so lowly of your friends, or yourself, she coaxed. But she knew, deep inside, that she was only now admitting what she refused to believe before.
He has a good heart, and he knows it. But he has yet to masture how to control that heart. He let those in the past walk over it as if they had the right, and now it's difficult to allow anyone to approach. Somehow whenever he gave even the slighest portion of his heart to someone, they always returned it, broken and bruised.
So when he finally did give it away, he half expected it to be returned, in worse condition then it first arrived. Perhaps this is why thing's never seem to work out for him the way he hopes. Could it be that while trying to protect himself, he pushed others away unaware? How could wanting to save yourself from being hurt ultimately do more damage then not worrying about it at all?
And now, he knows, that perhaps love is not always pleasant and enjoyed. That sometimes one must sacrafice their protective wall around them in order to be awarded the greatest gift of all. The gift of love. He has given his heart fully and will do nothing to take it back. Hopes that it was the right decision plague him like a constant nightmare, and still he believes.
Is he foolish, to think that fate will grant him his only wish? Should he accept what everyone tells him, and begin the journey of rearranging the puzzle that his heart has become? And if he does, will it be too late?
The answers are not written in any bible from the Lord. They cannot be found in textbooks, or in journals from his ancestors. The only vault which contains all the answers to his questions is already in his posession. They are written in everything he does. Everything he says. And though he has not discovered them yet, only he can. And one day he will. One day he will.
But love, like war, is not a win win situation for everyone. Some must loose for other's to win. And yet, everyone can be a survivor. A survivor isn't one whom stuck through the battle and came out on top, but those whom learn the lessons along the way.
I am a survivor. For even though I too once thought the same way that he did, I leant a lesson that I only hope he does not have to discover. Not all love is meant to last. We can give our hearts away, to whomever we choose. But will not always remain in their possession. Sometimes, we take it back, discovering it was the wrong decision. Sometimes, more painfully, it is given back. Whether we want it to be or not.
I gave my heart away a little more then two years ago, and each time it was given back. Like him, I believed with all my soul that one day they would see my heart for the rare and precious gift that it was, and wish to treasure it as their own. I believed that if I waited, if I tried hard enough, that would be enough. But that only works in some cases.
I hope, with all my heart, that his is one of these cases. Sometimes it takes more then just believing to make something work. Sometimes it takes more time, more effort, and more pain then we initially wish to give. But if it is accepted, everything lost, eveything spent becomes worth it all.
Though I did not come out winning the battle, I have initially won the war, for I know that even love is not meant to always work out. It takes much work. And it can grow frustrating and disappointing and painful. It can hurt. But unlike me, he has true friends to help carry him through the rough waters of love. If he truely believes, anything can happen. The road to enternal love is a hard one to follow, but alas he has a great guide. May he always know that if ever he get's lost along the way, all he must do is look to his right, and he will find me travelling right there with him.
With two of us working for the same goal, perhaps his chances in the game of love is greater then my chances were alone. Besides, there's only room for one broken heart in this friendship, and mine has already claimed that role. His is meant to blossom and so it will be. It will be, if he just continues to believe. And as she finally starts to drift to sleep, she wills him the stength to carry on...
As she has done many times throughout her childhood and youth, she found herself wondering what the purpose of it all was. Was there really some greater being whom planned her every move before she even comprehended to do it? If so, then are we really living in the land of the free, or are we all pawns in a game that we know nothing about?
These thoughts are nothing new to her, and yet she still cannot find the answer to her questions. Perhaps this is what brings her down from her cloud so often.
Her hair hangs down around her cheeks, and she makes no effort to brush the strands away. There is no one around. No one to take notice in her appearance, even if she wished them to. In her world, there rarely is anyone but herself. Some days she couldnt help but feel like it will always be that way, that was, until she met him.
The past floods her mind even as she wills it to remain behind her. The people she met, those she befriends, those she doesnt. The strangers that passed her by, unaware that she could be exactly what they were looking for.She could, couldn't she? Anyone could be, if only people these days gave them half the chance.
Finally her left hand abandoned the position infront of her to dart up and tuck a strand of her light hair behind her ear, which burned from the cold. Funny, she thought, how when you're freezing, you burn. Tingle as if you were standing too close to a firepit and heat from the flames entraced themselves on your flesh. She shook her head gently, returning her thoughts to those of previously. Her thoughts on his life.
She knows that initially she is not alone. Not even five minutes away is someone else, and then someone else and someone else, until you couldn't count anymore. But it brings little comfort to her wounded heart, and she wonders how he is doing.
Once, he believed in a life that was much better then the one he took his place in. He believed that there was love. There was compassion. Understanding. Belonging. A world where everything was bearable, if not enjoyed. But he's grown up alot since that little boy that padded around in socks and sandles.
Sooner or later, everyone grows up whether they wish to or not. The day they discover Santa Clause was actually their parents in cheap suits. The day they fall in love. The day they walk away, a heart broken trailing behind them. He knows this all too well, and probably wishes he could turn back the clock and return to that innocent little boy again.
Life could be much worse, she reminds herself, but still it does no good. It could, be much worse, of course. But then again, it could be much better too. Why must we settle for being inbetween?
As she quietly munched on gum, absentmindedly squishing it around her tongue as if to blow a bubble, an ironic thought crossed her mind, not for the first time. There were so many people in the world that wanted to be involved in his life, and yet he couldn't find the right way to let them. Not the way they wanted. It hurt him, in ways some could never know, and she knew it. To have people love you, and yet you be unable to return that love.
Perhaps it is because he waits for someone he knows in his heart is the right person. He believes so strongly that one day they will awaken to their senses and realize that what they really want is right in front of them. Some day, they will stop pulling away, and insead push foward, toward him. And because of this feeling, this belief, he gives no one else that part of his heart. The part that promises forever.
Though he has enemies, he has more aquintinces then anything. They are not friends, for they themselves choose it that way. They want all of him, or nothing at all, but how can they expect him to give something away that belongs to someone else? How can they assume that he will just give up on what he believes to be everything they need and want him to be? Is it really his's to give away, then?
They don't realize, the people around him, that his heart is a very precious gift, and that it cannot be given lightly. Shes not saying that people should work for his heart, his attention, but that he has to work harder for what he believes then what other's choose to think. It's almost like a religion, she thought, as her heart melted at the realization that he probably seemed self-centered to the world around him. Like a religion, a love must be fought for. Must be believed. And sometimes what you believe isn't always easy to show.
People used to be drawn to him. Still are, sometimes. But it never lasts long, and he could never figure out why. But tonight, as she stared around at her surroundings, the music going in one ear and out the other, she realized that it wasn't because of them that they lost interest, but because of himself. He gave them false hope. False promise, even if he never said it outloud.
A chill crept up her spine and exploded over her shoulders and arms, leaving a river of goosebumps it it's wake. With a shudder she couldn't control, she found herself sinking further into her pillows willing her mind to shut off. It wasn't natural to think so lowly of your friends, or yourself, she coaxed. But she knew, deep inside, that she was only now admitting what she refused to believe before.
He has a good heart, and he knows it. But he has yet to masture how to control that heart. He let those in the past walk over it as if they had the right, and now it's difficult to allow anyone to approach. Somehow whenever he gave even the slighest portion of his heart to someone, they always returned it, broken and bruised.
So when he finally did give it away, he half expected it to be returned, in worse condition then it first arrived. Perhaps this is why thing's never seem to work out for him the way he hopes. Could it be that while trying to protect himself, he pushed others away unaware? How could wanting to save yourself from being hurt ultimately do more damage then not worrying about it at all?
And now, he knows, that perhaps love is not always pleasant and enjoyed. That sometimes one must sacrafice their protective wall around them in order to be awarded the greatest gift of all. The gift of love. He has given his heart fully and will do nothing to take it back. Hopes that it was the right decision plague him like a constant nightmare, and still he believes.
Is he foolish, to think that fate will grant him his only wish? Should he accept what everyone tells him, and begin the journey of rearranging the puzzle that his heart has become? And if he does, will it be too late?
The answers are not written in any bible from the Lord. They cannot be found in textbooks, or in journals from his ancestors. The only vault which contains all the answers to his questions is already in his posession. They are written in everything he does. Everything he says. And though he has not discovered them yet, only he can. And one day he will. One day he will.
But love, like war, is not a win win situation for everyone. Some must loose for other's to win. And yet, everyone can be a survivor. A survivor isn't one whom stuck through the battle and came out on top, but those whom learn the lessons along the way.
I am a survivor. For even though I too once thought the same way that he did, I leant a lesson that I only hope he does not have to discover. Not all love is meant to last. We can give our hearts away, to whomever we choose. But will not always remain in their possession. Sometimes, we take it back, discovering it was the wrong decision. Sometimes, more painfully, it is given back. Whether we want it to be or not.
I gave my heart away a little more then two years ago, and each time it was given back. Like him, I believed with all my soul that one day they would see my heart for the rare and precious gift that it was, and wish to treasure it as their own. I believed that if I waited, if I tried hard enough, that would be enough. But that only works in some cases.
I hope, with all my heart, that his is one of these cases. Sometimes it takes more then just believing to make something work. Sometimes it takes more time, more effort, and more pain then we initially wish to give. But if it is accepted, everything lost, eveything spent becomes worth it all.
Though I did not come out winning the battle, I have initially won the war, for I know that even love is not meant to always work out. It takes much work. And it can grow frustrating and disappointing and painful. It can hurt. But unlike me, he has true friends to help carry him through the rough waters of love. If he truely believes, anything can happen. The road to enternal love is a hard one to follow, but alas he has a great guide. May he always know that if ever he get's lost along the way, all he must do is look to his right, and he will find me travelling right there with him.
With two of us working for the same goal, perhaps his chances in the game of love is greater then my chances were alone. Besides, there's only room for one broken heart in this friendship, and mine has already claimed that role. His is meant to blossom and so it will be. It will be, if he just continues to believe. And as she finally starts to drift to sleep, she wills him the stength to carry on...
