Post by Pandie on Jul 15, 2010 17:44:21 GMT -5
Something's changing inside of me, and truth be told, it's scary. Not that change is always a bad thing, but some of us just aren't able to accept change when we've learnt from past experiences that not all change is good. For me, change is something I've always grown up with. My parent's made change a yearly event that took place each time they would pack up our family and move us to a new town. Because of this, it has always been difficult to gather close friends with whom I enjoyed the company of. Perhaps it is because of this, that I always found change to be abit unsatisfying and down right frightening. For years I would dread the day a change was about to take place, always fearing that somehow it would result in my being hurt, or alone.
But perhaps that was just a stage. Something to be outgrown like our baby blankets. The reason why I say this is because I can feel a change around me, and for the first time in my life, I'm not scared to embrace it. I'm not looking to run, or prepairing a battle to push someone away. I'm not planning an idea to make something go away, or praying that change be forbidden. No, not this time. Instead, I'm curious about where this change is going to take me; How it's going to effect me, or those around me. If it's a change that's going to leave me shaken and lost. I'm not worried about whats to come, but neither am I questioning if it's the right change for my life.
I've always managed to keep my enemies at a distance, and my friends even further then that. Lord knows I've had the habit of pushing people away when they began to get too close to my life, my heart. I can admit this because I've seen myself do it over and over again in past relationships. Always I'm the first to pull away. I'm the one feeling insecure, thinking that they've got a hidden agenda, or that they only want to be with me for one reason. I've never felt completely confident around people that show even the slightest bit of interest in me. This is who I was.
But this time it's not so easy to pull away. Could it be because I live with them? Or 'cause I find it easy to be myself around them, no matter what we're doing? Is it because he doesn't seem to expect anything from me? Perhaps. But moreso then any of that, I think it's because he has such small but charming traits about himself that just drive me crazy.
The way he can always tell when I'm watching him, and always always turns to me with his grin, asking what I'm thinking. Never has a guy asked me what I'm thinking. I thought it was always the girls nagging the guys to tell them what was on their mind, but he always asks me instead of the other way around. Whether it be while I'm just gazing at his face, or lost in thought. And when he asks, there's a tune in his voice that makes it sound like he really wants to know.
And the way his finger's always seems to find me. Not just to hold my hand, but to just adknowledge my presence. Whether it be to run along my arm, or my side. To comb through my hair, or travel along my cheek. His touch get's me every time. It's not like most guys. There is no demanding in his movement. No hint that he wants something. But there is always the comfort of knowing that he's aware that I'm sitting right there beside him. With my fantasy mind, it's kind of like awareness. Maybe he just brushes his hand against me absentmindedly without even thinking about it, but the fact that he always finds a moment to show that I'm not just some able body in the room is a feeling that I've never before been witness to.
It's peaceful and unique, but still scary. I'm used to guy's wanting to be with me just for the sake of being with me. The thought that someone would enjoy my company as equally as much as I did theirs never even crossed my mind. And, oh, the way we are together. We can joke, tease, playfully bicker back and forth, and have yet to take any insult seriously. He can call me crazy, and I don't get angry, or I call him an ass, and he just grins. It's like we've known each other longer then we really have. Like a utopian brother, he just's... understands that I don't mean anything by the bicker that I swing his way.
Tonight, he had me floored. We were just watching a television show, not even talking to each other, and out of nowhere he leans over and placed a single kiss to my lips. A single kiss? I hadn't done anything to deserve the gift, and it was clear he wasn't trying to make a move or anything. Nobody does that! Obviously I had to have done something right, no? So I asked him what the kiss was for and he smiled and told me it was just because he liked me. "Just cause I like you, Cj," like I received kisses for absoultely nothing all the time. What on earth am I suppose to say to that?! I play the tough girl image all the time, but there's times he just makes it so difficult not to be 'girly.'Instead, I smiled and returned his kiss, stating that what he said was a perfect answer.
About a half hour, to an hour later he leaned over and kissed me again. I hadn't done anything to deserve this gift either, and yet he was offering it to me like it wasn't worth the breath that it took away. Then he quickly pulled away, turned his eye's back to the television show and muttered an apology. Here he was giving me his kiss, AND apologizing for it?! Surely he didn't realize that he need not ever apologize for giving me a random kiss. And so I told him that. I asked him to promise me something. When he asked what, I asked him never to apologize for kissing me. This time it was his turn to smile. And, even though it was practically an hour later, he repeated what I said to him... Between a kiss, he whispered 'perfect answer' and awarded me with another kiss...
Either he's definately one of a kind, or I've been dating the wrong guys! Never have I been touched, held or even kissed without the guy hinting that he was in the mood for something more. Never has five gentle fingertips made me feel so comfortable. Or have I ever received such... unexpected surprises.
So what's so scary about all of that, right? I mean, to every girl trying to live in an utopian world, it seems perfect. It's not the way he seems to get to me, but rather how quickly. For years I've built a strong wall around my emotions- around my heart, and yet within a couple days, he has it lying in shambles. Can that be safe? To just... change so quickly? It was okay when I liked him. I've liked guys before. It doesn't change much of the friendship. But now I really like him, and that scares me. I always said I wasn't going to fall in love again, yet we all know that's what comes after 'really like' and Im just not sure I'm ready for that big of a change.
But the past has taught me that even if I'm not ready for it, life is gonna keep on going, and it's not going to wait for me. Change is like that. Whether I want it to or not, if it's meant to change, it's going to. So I found that not thinking any further then the moment is blissful. Why worry about something that you have no control over? Why consider falling in love with someone, if you dont get to pick and choose when or who to fall in love with. Change can't be controlled. But you can control how you adapt to change.
Am I meant to 'really like' him like I do? Who knows. I sure as heck dont. Am I going to start thinking that I love him? What's the point? You don't 'think' about loving someone. It happens on it's own. So why worry about it? Why fear change, when you can enjoy the moments you're familiar with. Taking it one day at a time. One moment we're strangers, then we're aquintinces. Then friends. Roommates. Then I'm highschool crushing on him. Whats next, love? Who knows, or cares. I don't. If it's meant to be this way, it'll be this way. I'm not going to count on it, or rebel against it.
Instead, I'm just going to float with the waves and see where it takes me.
But perhaps that was just a stage. Something to be outgrown like our baby blankets. The reason why I say this is because I can feel a change around me, and for the first time in my life, I'm not scared to embrace it. I'm not looking to run, or prepairing a battle to push someone away. I'm not planning an idea to make something go away, or praying that change be forbidden. No, not this time. Instead, I'm curious about where this change is going to take me; How it's going to effect me, or those around me. If it's a change that's going to leave me shaken and lost. I'm not worried about whats to come, but neither am I questioning if it's the right change for my life.
I've always managed to keep my enemies at a distance, and my friends even further then that. Lord knows I've had the habit of pushing people away when they began to get too close to my life, my heart. I can admit this because I've seen myself do it over and over again in past relationships. Always I'm the first to pull away. I'm the one feeling insecure, thinking that they've got a hidden agenda, or that they only want to be with me for one reason. I've never felt completely confident around people that show even the slightest bit of interest in me. This is who I was.
But this time it's not so easy to pull away. Could it be because I live with them? Or 'cause I find it easy to be myself around them, no matter what we're doing? Is it because he doesn't seem to expect anything from me? Perhaps. But moreso then any of that, I think it's because he has such small but charming traits about himself that just drive me crazy.
The way he can always tell when I'm watching him, and always always turns to me with his grin, asking what I'm thinking. Never has a guy asked me what I'm thinking. I thought it was always the girls nagging the guys to tell them what was on their mind, but he always asks me instead of the other way around. Whether it be while I'm just gazing at his face, or lost in thought. And when he asks, there's a tune in his voice that makes it sound like he really wants to know.
And the way his finger's always seems to find me. Not just to hold my hand, but to just adknowledge my presence. Whether it be to run along my arm, or my side. To comb through my hair, or travel along my cheek. His touch get's me every time. It's not like most guys. There is no demanding in his movement. No hint that he wants something. But there is always the comfort of knowing that he's aware that I'm sitting right there beside him. With my fantasy mind, it's kind of like awareness. Maybe he just brushes his hand against me absentmindedly without even thinking about it, but the fact that he always finds a moment to show that I'm not just some able body in the room is a feeling that I've never before been witness to.
It's peaceful and unique, but still scary. I'm used to guy's wanting to be with me just for the sake of being with me. The thought that someone would enjoy my company as equally as much as I did theirs never even crossed my mind. And, oh, the way we are together. We can joke, tease, playfully bicker back and forth, and have yet to take any insult seriously. He can call me crazy, and I don't get angry, or I call him an ass, and he just grins. It's like we've known each other longer then we really have. Like a utopian brother, he just's... understands that I don't mean anything by the bicker that I swing his way.
Tonight, he had me floored. We were just watching a television show, not even talking to each other, and out of nowhere he leans over and placed a single kiss to my lips. A single kiss? I hadn't done anything to deserve the gift, and it was clear he wasn't trying to make a move or anything. Nobody does that! Obviously I had to have done something right, no? So I asked him what the kiss was for and he smiled and told me it was just because he liked me. "Just cause I like you, Cj," like I received kisses for absoultely nothing all the time. What on earth am I suppose to say to that?! I play the tough girl image all the time, but there's times he just makes it so difficult not to be 'girly.'Instead, I smiled and returned his kiss, stating that what he said was a perfect answer.
About a half hour, to an hour later he leaned over and kissed me again. I hadn't done anything to deserve this gift either, and yet he was offering it to me like it wasn't worth the breath that it took away. Then he quickly pulled away, turned his eye's back to the television show and muttered an apology. Here he was giving me his kiss, AND apologizing for it?! Surely he didn't realize that he need not ever apologize for giving me a random kiss. And so I told him that. I asked him to promise me something. When he asked what, I asked him never to apologize for kissing me. This time it was his turn to smile. And, even though it was practically an hour later, he repeated what I said to him... Between a kiss, he whispered 'perfect answer' and awarded me with another kiss...
Either he's definately one of a kind, or I've been dating the wrong guys! Never have I been touched, held or even kissed without the guy hinting that he was in the mood for something more. Never has five gentle fingertips made me feel so comfortable. Or have I ever received such... unexpected surprises.
So what's so scary about all of that, right? I mean, to every girl trying to live in an utopian world, it seems perfect. It's not the way he seems to get to me, but rather how quickly. For years I've built a strong wall around my emotions- around my heart, and yet within a couple days, he has it lying in shambles. Can that be safe? To just... change so quickly? It was okay when I liked him. I've liked guys before. It doesn't change much of the friendship. But now I really like him, and that scares me. I always said I wasn't going to fall in love again, yet we all know that's what comes after 'really like' and Im just not sure I'm ready for that big of a change.
But the past has taught me that even if I'm not ready for it, life is gonna keep on going, and it's not going to wait for me. Change is like that. Whether I want it to or not, if it's meant to change, it's going to. So I found that not thinking any further then the moment is blissful. Why worry about something that you have no control over? Why consider falling in love with someone, if you dont get to pick and choose when or who to fall in love with. Change can't be controlled. But you can control how you adapt to change.
Am I meant to 'really like' him like I do? Who knows. I sure as heck dont. Am I going to start thinking that I love him? What's the point? You don't 'think' about loving someone. It happens on it's own. So why worry about it? Why fear change, when you can enjoy the moments you're familiar with. Taking it one day at a time. One moment we're strangers, then we're aquintinces. Then friends. Roommates. Then I'm highschool crushing on him. Whats next, love? Who knows, or cares. I don't. If it's meant to be this way, it'll be this way. I'm not going to count on it, or rebel against it.
Instead, I'm just going to float with the waves and see where it takes me.
