Post by Pandie on Jul 15, 2010 17:46:22 GMT -5
The strongest of friendships doesn't necessicary mean the one's that last forever, and sometimes even the slightest taste of freedom can do more then a lifetime of content.
I've always been surprised at how easily people can declair me a good friend. How easy it was to be given such a remarkable title with little effort. But rarely, is it that I find someone that I myself can declair a best friend. To me, a best friend is someone that sees beneath the cover into the hidden meaning's between the lines.
Not often do I find someone that I can connect with. Someone that makes me feel comfortable enough to remove the mask that I dawn each day. Mind you, I share something in common with everyone I know, but it's not often enough that I come across someone that can see through my fascade and know what I'm really all about.
It doesn't happen often, but it's not unheard of. I know, because it happened to me once. What's more disturbing then the fact that I met someone that I didnt need to wear a mask around, but the fact that I didn't WANT to wear one around them. I was comfortable enough to be myself from day one. To allow myself to enjoy the company rather then fiddle with keeping my mask in place.
Ah, the day's of freedom. Of being completely content, completely satisfied with the small gesture of true friendship. Perhaps because I wore a mask for so long, and then finally found someone that didn't see the mask, but looked directly beneath it to the tired lines of one's true self, is why I managed to somehow convince myself that this was real. This was something more.
Of course, all good thing's must come to an end. Even freedom.
I knew it would happen, and yet somehow I had hoped it wouldn't. Conceited of me, perhaps, but truthfully spoken. He had a thing for my best friend.
Who was I to stand in the way? Who am I to deny their happiness to prolong my own? I am but a bystander in their quest for love, for companionship.
And so I stepped aside. Imagine putting all your 'could haves' and 'should haves' into a box and tossing it over the bridge. This is similar to what one feels when they give up their own happiness to allow their friend's to create their own.
But I wonder... Was the freedom for afew days worth the price one must pay for that freedom? Will I ever be able to look at them and be happy for what they've found in each other?
Perhaps I was just being greedy, but was it so wrong to want not to share? To want to hold onto that feeling and keep it all to oneself? Yes, perhaps Im conceited, but is that such a bad trait?
More then being left behind, more then giving up, more then all of that I wonder if friendship is meant to be so difficult? If I truely were a good friend, I'd be happy for them. If they are happy, I am happy. But then, if that were the case, why do I hide? Why do I run away.
Will I ever be able to hang out with just her again, without feeling that hurt, that ... Is there even a word for it? Of course, she has done nothing wrong. You cant loose something that was never yours to begin with, nor can you control who you fall for.
Will I ever be able to think of him without realizing what my stupidity has caused me to miss out on? I cannot possibly hang out with him alone, for it would be to uncomfortable. Would you want your friend hanging out with your boyfriend/girlfriend alone when you knew they felt exactly the same way about him/her as you did?
Will the day ever come that I'll be ready to hang out with both of them together? Will I be able to watch them carry on and not find myself thinking that should have been me. Will I ever stop feeling like the third wheel. The rock that doesn't go away.
Friendship isn't always about doing everything together. Sometimes it's about knowing what you have to do on your own.
Who knows, maybe they were meant to be. Maybe cupid just used me as the delivery package. Though I hope next time he doesnt forget the 'fragile/breakable' stamp!
I've always been surprised at how easily people can declair me a good friend. How easy it was to be given such a remarkable title with little effort. But rarely, is it that I find someone that I myself can declair a best friend. To me, a best friend is someone that sees beneath the cover into the hidden meaning's between the lines.
Not often do I find someone that I can connect with. Someone that makes me feel comfortable enough to remove the mask that I dawn each day. Mind you, I share something in common with everyone I know, but it's not often enough that I come across someone that can see through my fascade and know what I'm really all about.
It doesn't happen often, but it's not unheard of. I know, because it happened to me once. What's more disturbing then the fact that I met someone that I didnt need to wear a mask around, but the fact that I didn't WANT to wear one around them. I was comfortable enough to be myself from day one. To allow myself to enjoy the company rather then fiddle with keeping my mask in place.
Ah, the day's of freedom. Of being completely content, completely satisfied with the small gesture of true friendship. Perhaps because I wore a mask for so long, and then finally found someone that didn't see the mask, but looked directly beneath it to the tired lines of one's true self, is why I managed to somehow convince myself that this was real. This was something more.
Of course, all good thing's must come to an end. Even freedom.
I knew it would happen, and yet somehow I had hoped it wouldn't. Conceited of me, perhaps, but truthfully spoken. He had a thing for my best friend.
Who was I to stand in the way? Who am I to deny their happiness to prolong my own? I am but a bystander in their quest for love, for companionship.
And so I stepped aside. Imagine putting all your 'could haves' and 'should haves' into a box and tossing it over the bridge. This is similar to what one feels when they give up their own happiness to allow their friend's to create their own.
But I wonder... Was the freedom for afew days worth the price one must pay for that freedom? Will I ever be able to look at them and be happy for what they've found in each other?
Perhaps I was just being greedy, but was it so wrong to want not to share? To want to hold onto that feeling and keep it all to oneself? Yes, perhaps Im conceited, but is that such a bad trait?
More then being left behind, more then giving up, more then all of that I wonder if friendship is meant to be so difficult? If I truely were a good friend, I'd be happy for them. If they are happy, I am happy. But then, if that were the case, why do I hide? Why do I run away.
Will I ever be able to hang out with just her again, without feeling that hurt, that ... Is there even a word for it? Of course, she has done nothing wrong. You cant loose something that was never yours to begin with, nor can you control who you fall for.
Will I ever be able to think of him without realizing what my stupidity has caused me to miss out on? I cannot possibly hang out with him alone, for it would be to uncomfortable. Would you want your friend hanging out with your boyfriend/girlfriend alone when you knew they felt exactly the same way about him/her as you did?
Will the day ever come that I'll be ready to hang out with both of them together? Will I be able to watch them carry on and not find myself thinking that should have been me. Will I ever stop feeling like the third wheel. The rock that doesn't go away.
Friendship isn't always about doing everything together. Sometimes it's about knowing what you have to do on your own.
Who knows, maybe they were meant to be. Maybe cupid just used me as the delivery package. Though I hope next time he doesnt forget the 'fragile/breakable' stamp!
